Blog

8/2/2025

I feel like I've been making much more progress than usual. Even if it's not much it's good progress, hopefully this will set me out of my hygiene neglect problem. I fixed my kinkied up hair, almost all the fairy knots, and splits ends are gone, and Ive been spending time detangling them. The curl however aren't as defined as they used to be but that would mean I have to apply curl definer foam after showering, and well to truly take care of my hair to the best of my ability i would have to actually shower :C But for now I made (a friend actually made it for me tysm) a hair routine that would be needed for my hair which is "Shampoo, Rinse, Conditioner, and while its in pick it out completely until all the knots and dead hair is gone, then rinse once your hair is fully knotless" "afterward use leave in conditioner/foam to hold curls or rehydrate hair" well thanks for whoever helped me with this shower routine, I'll definitely try it next time... only issue is I'd need to get into the damn shower in the first place. They did tell me to take shower everyday execpt use a shower cap some days to protect hair from stripping oil and dry damage.

Ah yeah, I forgot to mention something last blog. I've been playing VN on itch.io throughout the week and god damn the yuri vn gets fuckin depressign Like holy shit I downloaded slime feet because I thought it was about slime feets. Just to get fuckin slapped by painful memories and reality. It reminded me of my long distance gf who "died from breast cancer" I completely lost my shit afterward and had a full mental breakdown. I did not know VN had this amount of power to fuck my feelings over and brought up memories that has been hidden ever since. Absolute cinema. Also I loved the scp reference soo

Another thing is. I've been doing a lot more art lately. I feel like it's bringing me back my joy haha, espesially drawing sexual art. Yes I know, it is kinda weird for a lesbian to draw dicks but cmon lemme cook

8/1/2025

Ever since 7/26/2025, my life has been going downhill. My anxienty worsened every morning and night, I always felt sick. It was hard to get out of bed to do things I needed to do. I've lost all capacity for hobby as they don't make me feel the enjoyment I used to had, I quitted zzz, and other hobbies, I often sulked in my bed most of the time, never eating breakfast or lunch.
I'd starved until 7:00 pm only to eat a little. I saw my figure growing smaller and smaller, my stomach upset. Other people concerned about my physical and mental health. I was unable to keep things down as I felt like barfingn. I was only lucky that I had some pads as I would take too long to get out of the bed to head to washroom to piss, everytime i stood up fast I felt so light and dizzy I was about to fall over.
I would cry on my pillows night and day, upset with my life outcome. I've always thought that maybe my life would be better if I just, cancel it all. Cancel my life subscription. Cause all I was doing now was existing, I only breathed, I only thought, I was souless. I lost 5 lbs and more this week. I'm just down to 130 lbs now. I lost the will and motivation to live. And I didn't know how to move on. I was still clinging onto the bits from my past.
I lost a special someone, all my friends tell me to move on and that they hurted me badly, and that what's done is done I need to move on and find someone better. I don't really know, i know they did hurt me badly but they were still someone important and close to me, I still haven't forgotten the good times with them even but I cant just forget such an event that made me feel worse about them. I haven't been this deep down in the hole since my gf died. and last time my gf died I fell down a drug addiction hole, a life full of bedrotting, bedwetting and damaged kidneys, life of starvation and neglect.
I don't want to live like that, and I dont want to ever feel how I felt in the past.It's a new level of low that makes me feel scared for my life.. literally for my life. I've tried hard to avoid these suicidal ideation and SH urges. and I did it, I avoided the SH urges, I couldn't avoid the thoughts. They were always roaming around.
My self worth was nonexistant, I viewed as myself nothing more than just dirt, and I know I shouldnt because I am someone much more. But if it's one thing is that I'm a god damn bastard. Nobody is willing to admit they are, but I am. I am a scumbag, and it is what it is. Whatever makes me truly human.

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